Fullmetal Farmer and the Pork Bowl Alchemist
by Artemis Day
Summary: Hachiken Yugo saves the world from non-human foes. Meanwhile, Edward Elric learns that there are jobs more stressful and bosses more strict than even in the military.
1. Fullmetal Farmer

**This was written for FMA-ArtandLiterature's crossover contest on deviantART. Hope you like it!**

* * *

The alarm clock went off and Edward Elric rolled over in bed. He would've liked to just shut it off and go back to sleep until noon, wake up fully rested and get a big brunch to stuff his face with. That would be paradise, but it wasn't his life.

No, Edward Elric led a much different life.

"Come on, Ed, get up! You have a stable to clean out before sunrise. Get moving."

Ed groaned and shoved a pillow over his head in a vain attempt to drown out the voices.

"Leave me alone," he moaned.

He heard a laugh.

"No can do, buddy. We have to get up and so do you!"

The pillow was forcibly pulled from his grip along with the blankets. The next thing Ed knew, he was being bodily removed from the bed by his roommates, each one grabbing a leg. Ed yelped as he flew to the floor, pain shooting through the shoulder he landed on. He struggled with the insatiable urge to start strangling Beppu and Nishkawa to death one at a time for daring to do this to him.

"Time to get up, Ed. The horses are waiting for you," said Nishikawa in a sing-song voice.

Ed muttered curses under his breath all throughout getting cleaned up and dressed. His empty bed sat warm and inviting, always in the corner of his eye, but still he persevered. A couple splashes of water did their job and before long, he was wide awake. Only another hour before the need to sleep caught up with him again.

"I think I'll get my chores done extra fast today," said Beppu, rubbing his large stomach as he spoke. "I'm especially hungry for some breakfast."

"Yeah, join the club," Ed snorted.

He grabbed his boots from under the bed and pulled them on, finishing his morning routine with a quick check in the mirror for anything unsightly hanging from his nose or any dirt from yesterday's work that he'd forgoten to scrub off. It was a quarter after four and he was making good time.

"I'll see you guys later."

"See ya," said his roommates.

Ed started out, only to pause midway into the hall and turn back.

"Say, either of you guys feeling kind of... _weird_ today?"

Beppu and Nishikawa just looked at him for a long time, and Ed wished they wouldn't. It was bad enough that the question felt so strange on his tongue, he didn't need them to see him embarrassed.

"What do you mean?" asked Beppu. "Weird like you're sick or something? "

"You should go to the nurse if you're not feeling well, Ed," said Nishikawa.

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Ed said. He followed it with a long sigh. "I'm probably just still tired. Forget I said anything."

The two of them shrugged, and then Ed was off.

* * *

Aside from the horses, the stables were deserted when Ed got there. He couldn't say he enjoyed the solitude. After such a rude awakening, he could use a little company. Most of his club mates wouldn't be along for another half hour or so, and if Nakajima-sensei wasn't around, odds were good that he was rolling around in his cheese cellar having some kind of phony cheese based religious experience and wouldn't resurface for hours. If the man wasn't the Equestrian club's advisor, Ed would be happy to write him off as just another whack-job and be done with it. Stupid Nakjima, leaving him to shovel horse manure all alone and five in the morning like he was some kind of slave.

Why did Ed even join the Equestrian club in the first place? He didn't know the first thing about horses. Did he?

While Ed contemplated this seemingly uncharacteristic decision of his, a shadow fell across the field, and it definitely wasn't that of the sun or one of the horses, otherwise Ed would've noticed right away.

"Good morning, Edward-kun!"

Aki Mikage's voice rang out bright and cheerful and impossible to ignore. Ed dropped the hoe into the hay stack, disregarding the affronted whiney of the horse he'd been servicing.

"Morning, Mikage," he said. "You're looking especially upbeat today."

"Am I?" asked Mikage, even as she bounced towards him with her hands in the air like she was dancing. "Haha, sorry about that. I just got a new pair of riding gloves and I'm excited to try them out. What do you think?"

She held out her hands, clothed in plain black leather gloves with the fingers cut out. She curled them a few times to give Ed a better look, but no matter what she does to make them seem flashy, they just look like plain old riding gloves to him, albeit very clean ones.

"They're nice," he said non-committedly. Mikage seemed unbothered by his lack of enthusiasm, but for all he knew, she'd didn't even hear him. She had already run into the stable and was patting the nose of Chestnut, that butt-ugly horse everyone favored for some reason.

Ed grimaced, and Chestnut's eye slipped onto him as he gave an ominous growl. Ed flinched. Was the horse reading his mind or something?

"I see you've gotten a great deal of work done, Elric. Good job."

Nakajima stepped into his line of sight, his porcelain Buddha-face as serene as ever with the steadily rising sun at his back. Ed grumbled a hello while Mikage greeted him whole-heartedly. He picked up the hoe and threw another huge bunch of hay into Chestnut's stall. The horse did not look grateful at all.

"Nakajima-sensei, I was hoping to get a little more riding time today," Mikage was saying.

"Breaking in new gloves, eh?" Nakajima-san asked. "Very nice stitching on the fingers. I can tell these are well made. Must've cost a fortune."

"Oh yeah, I saved up my allowance for over a year."

Their silly talk made Ed roll his eyes, and Chestnut's appearance grew in hostility when he couldn't determine that it wasn't about him.

"Making such a big deal about riding gloves," Ed thought aloud. "Sometimes I don't get you at all, Winry."

Mikage looked up. "What was that, Ed?"

"I said sometimes I don't get you at all, Mikage," Ed repeated.

By the time morning began for all the normal people in the world, the stables were clear and the horses well-tended to. Only Ed himself felt his work left something to be desired, mostly by way of comfort and difficulty levels and not making him feel like he just carried twenty tons of rocks while running a marathon. Now, after all that, he was actually expected to start riding the horses. These people were out of their minds.

"You're all out of your minds," Ed moaned on the precipice of unconsciousness while he waited his turn to ride. Mikage was in the chorale now, happily testing out her new gloves. They were to her satisfaction, if her face encompassing grin meant anything. Ed was pretty sure he saw sparkles around her as she rode passed, the literal kind that only worked for big overdramatic macho-men, and even on them it barely worked.

"By the way, Ed," Nakajima said. "I'm going to be busy later tonight. Think you can come and clean up again for me?"

Ed, whose crippling pain was just beginning to alleviate, fell to the ground as Nakajima's words hit him with all the force of a day's back-breaking labor. If he didn't feel them in every single cell in his body, he would think his back was actually broken.

"Wh-WHAT?! After all that work I did at five in the goddamn morning, that is what I get? More work?"

Nakajima frowned, his eyes turning to slits if that were possible.

"We don't work to be rewarded here, Ed," he said sternly. "We do it out of love and respect for the horses, something you seem to be lacking. I'm tempted to assign you evening work for the rest of the week to teach you a lesson."

"Oh, screw off, old man!" Ed shouted. "I know your game. You just want someone to do your dirty work so you can spend the night getting off to your Gouda cheese in peace."

"Actually, I'm more partial to the gorgonzola. Also, watch out."

Ed couldn't retort or ask what Nakajima meant. At that moment, something fast and powerful grabbed him by the collar and dragged him all the way around the enclosure. It wasn't until the second or third go-around that Ed got enough sand out of his eyes to see his shirt clamped in Chestnut's teeth as the beast ran with no clear intention of stopping.

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"Try to relax, Ed!" Mikage yelled through cupped hands. "You have to show him you're not afraid."

"Don't worry, Ed," Nakajima said calmly, his hands in his pockets. "He won't go too fast. You'll be fine."

"Shouldn't his shirt have ripped off by now?" one random club member said to another.

"WILL SOMEBODY JUST STOP THIS CRAZY THING?!"

* * *

Ed nearly collapsed once more that day, this time in the cafeteria at breakfast. Half of his shirt was gone, courtesy of Chestnut, exposing his back to both the cold and the hungry eyes of several female students. Neither was distinct enough to make him think about changing. All he wanted was to get some food in his stomach and forget for a while that horses even existed.

"Looks like we have beef on the menu today," said Tokiwa, his face already half full.

"Can't you chew with your mouth closed?" Aikawa admonished him. "No one wants to see that."

"Says the would-be vet," Tokiwa snapped back, grinning evilly with bits of food in his teeth. "Don't you need to get used to dead animals? What about your dreams?"

"That's different and you know it!"

"Both of you shut up," Ed groaned. He propped himself into an upright position, spurred on through the pain by the mouth-watering smell of the food placed before him. With Beppu as a buffer, he found the strength to bring a single piece to his mouth.

In an instant, a choir of angels descended upon high and Ed did a dance of joy and praise to the god of dairy that such a heavenly bounty had been placed before his unworthy eyes.

Or at least, that's what Ed would have done if he was some kind of melodramatic idiot. In reality, he just shoveled the whole rest of his food in his mouth one glob at a time in a period of five minutes while the others watched in horrified awe. He finished with a burp and rubbed his distended stomach contentedly.

"Man, that's good," he said. "Almost worth all the crap I went through this morning. Almost."

"Geez, Ed, eat a little faster, why don't you?" Tokiwa said. His plate was still more than half full despite his own unsavory eating habits.

"Yeah Ed, you eat like you've been on an island without food for ten years," said Beppu.

"It was more like a month," Ed answered casually. "Hang on a bit guys, I'm gonna go get seconds."

* * *

The pigs all converged when Ed arrived with the daily dose of liquid feed. They oinked their hearts out, beady black eyes gazing at him over those perpetually happy faces of theirs that no media source had ever done any justice to. Their snouts bumped his hand when he put a bucket in. The biggest of them got there first, leaving the rest to fight over the next one. The final one was special, reserved for that one pig Ed held above all others.

"Hey there, Pork Bowl." The small pig waddled over to him, issuing little grunts and oinks as he chowed down. Ed patted his back as he ate.

"You're a little bigger than I remember," he said, and he looked out at all the other assembled pigs, his mouth tightening into a line. "Still not as big as the rest, though."

Pork Bowl's ears perked up, but he went on eating.

"Ah, don't worry about it, you'll show them," Ed said. "I understand what it's like, for people to look down on you just because you might be a tad on the not so ta- er big side. It's a harsh thing to have to face, so the best thing to do other than to fiercely deny it and destroy anyone who tries to bring it up is to do everything in your power to make yourself tal- er _bigger_."

Pork Bowl finished the bucket of feed and looked up, his snout wiggling in demand for more. Ed was only too happy to oblige.

"That's right, Pork Bowl, you eat as much as you can and get bigger than all of them. Someday you'll show them who's boss! You'll show them who's a runt! Who's a pipsqueak! Who's a half pint bean sprout midget! Who's a pipsqueak midget who can't even go to the beach because he will sink into the sand and when the tide comes in…"

Unbeknownst to Ed, he was not alone in the pig pen. Mikage and Yoshino stood over the railings, watching him with worry and bemusement respectively.

"You think Ed-kun is projecting something?" Yoshino murmured to Mikage, who shook her head.

"I… I honestly don't know."

* * *

"Hey, what's going on?" shouted Tamako.

She lumbered over to the gathered students standing around the boy's restroom. Inside, intense retching could be heard. It was so bad that some of the other students looked ready to throw up as well in sympathy. The only one strong enough to give Tamako an answer was Komaba, who merely rolled his eyes.

"Edward-kun is having some kind of an episode," he said.

"I don't understand what happened to him," said Tokiwa nervously. "We were starting to milk the cows and he just lost it!"

* * *

Evening arrived and the waning daylight found Ed in the stables again. All of his efforts to get out of it had been for naught. He had asked every single person he knew and even a few he didn't know, but nobody would take on the stable duties in this place. They all had some kind of stupid excuse like homework or already having chores to do or not knowing who he was.

Ed got about halfway through the stable before exhaustion set in. It was unfortunate that it had to happen right in front of Chestnut's stall. The rotten horse glared at him, its teeth bared and ready for another attack. Ed responded by shoving a bunch of hay into Chestnut's mouth. While the horse choked on that, Ed moved on to the next one with a feeling of great satisfaction in his belly.

Cool air seeped in through the windows. There was no wind to carry it, and so sweat was pooling at all different points of Ed's body. The most embarrassing of them he covered with a light jacket and stilted movements. Even if he was alone, anyone could come by at any time and see him.

That was never clearer to him than when the sound of crunching dirt and gravel hit him. It became louder, but Ed gave it no thought until a soft tinkle of a voice called his name.

"Oh, hey Mikage," he said.

"Hard at work, aren't you, Edward-kun?"

"Meh…" Ed threw another bundle of hay to one of the good, quiet horses.

"Hey, is there something wrong with Chestnut?"

Mikage ran to the horse. He had gotten most of the hay out of his mouth, but it looked like a couple of pieces had gotten lodged in his throat and he was having trouble hacking them out. It was music to Ed's ears.

"He's fine, probably just something he ate," said Ed.

On cue, Chestnut spat out the spare bits of hay. They landed on the opposite wall wrapped up in saliva and slid to the ground with a sickening squelch.

"See?"

"I suppose," Mikage said, though she didn't look convinced and kept shooting pained looks in Chestnut's direction.

"So what are you up to, Mikage?" Ed asked. "No chores tonight?"

"I finished early, so I thought I'd go for a walk," she explained. "It's so beautiful out here at sunset, isn't it?"

"I hadn't noticed," Ed said. He was too busy counting the number of stalls left so he could get out of here. He wouldn't even be having this conversation with her if he didn't think it would speed things along. No matter how he looked at it, all he saw was an impossibly long road between now and when he was finished.

Mikage frowned. "Well, that's too bad. It's one of my favorite times of the day when I get to see the sun go down over the trees. It's so beautiful that you can't help but appreciate your part in it."

Ed considered her words. He wouldn't have bothered, but there was a spark of sincerity in them that was hard to ignore. Hoe in hand, he went to stand next to her, forgetting for a while that it meant going back to where Chestnut was standing. He observed the window, uncovered and playing for him a single long shot of the forest beyond the school. An endless number of tall trees made it up. It didn't look so spectacular on its own, but somehow, Ed was entranced. Maybe it was just Mikage getting to him, or the sleep deprivation, but he wasn't feeling quite so wound up anymore. Something was coming over him, like an immeasurable sense of peace. The work still ahead of him grew shorter in his mind, no longer like a winding road he had to walk with weights strapped to his feet. It was amazing how much a little bit of introspective could do.

"Now that you mention it," he said, smiling. "It is kind of nice out he-"

"Edward-kun, LOOK OUT!"

Ed spun around and Chestnut's reared back legs smacked into his face. The world around him shook and cracked, Mikage's screams coming to him in bursts. The final explosion of light as he hit the ground was the last, fading into total darkness.

* * *

"AAAAAAH!"

Ed leaped up, almost bumping his head on a metal chest. He missed only due to Alphonse's timely action of grabbing him and pushing him back down on the bed.

"Relax, brother!" he shouted.

Ed sucked in air as his vision came back into focus. His mind was still sluggish, but he could just make out the gray square boxes assembled together into a person and interpret them as his brother.

"Oh, Alphonse," he said. "It's only you."

He brought a hand to his head. There was no pain, but the sensation of his mind swelling up and out of his skull was just as bad.

"Are you okay, Ed?" Al asked cautiously.

"I'm fine, I just had the weirdest dream."

Ed got out of the bed, taking a moment first to marvel at how soft it was. Nothing beat a fancy hotel in Central, not where beds were concerned.

"I was at some crazy farming school," he said. He was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, relaying everything he saw before it disappeared into his sub-conscious forevermore. "The food was good, but I had to take care of horses and pigs and get up at four am. Four o' clock in the freaking morning! And the cows… oh god, the cows…"

"Sounds awful," Al said, but Ed could tell he didn't see the full extent of how bad it was.

"Never mind, Al," he said. "I'm just glad it's over."

"Maybe you should eat a little less dairy before bed from now on, brother," Al suggested. Ed chose to ignore that.

He went into the closet to pull out a new set of clothing. His old ones were in the wash; he'd have to talk to the housekeeper later on about when he'd be getting them back. If Mustang was going to send him out on some other stupid pointless assignment in exchange for another lead on the philosopher's stone, he needed to be ready. Knowing that he could go at any time would be helpful in keeping him from punching the bastard's face off.

Ed took out a clean shirt and removed his pajama top in one smooth motion. With it came a long yellow string that fell limply to the floor. Ed wouldn't have given it the time of day, chalking it up to some thread that had gotten loose, but his pajamas were blue, and they were definitely not made of material that scratchy. Ed got down on his hands and knees and picked up the string. He ran his flesh hand up and down the length of what he now knew with perfect clarity wasn't string at all.

"Is this… _hay_?"

Ed held it to the light, staring in wonder. He got back to his bed without any conscious knowledge of it and sat at the edge, all the while never letting his gaze falter until his nightstand came into view and revealed one more surprise.

"What the- where the hell is my pocket watch?"


	2. The Pork Bowl Alchemist

A chorus of explosions ripped through the peace and calm of Central command, if such could ever exist in a military compound. Hachiken Yugo blinked his eyes twice, adjusting to the smoke and rubble that surrounded him on every side and went on forever. Around him, soldiers screamed inaudible orders to their platoons and rushed to defend the fort from the invaders. Hachiken found himself stuck without a place to go. It just figured that this would happen on a day he was back in town.

"Brother!"

Hachiken's ears became attuned to the child-like voice approaching him.

"Al, what's going on?" Hachiken demanded of his brother.

"Looks like the homunculi are invading." Al looked just as pleased with the current developments as Hachiken was. "The Colonel is calling for everyone on hand to come and defend the base, especially alchemists."

He gave Hachiken a knowing look, quite a feat considering his… facial impairments, let's say.

Hachiken hitched up and rolled his shoulders. The tension in his body eased, while his mind remained hard.

"Well, we'd better get out there before Mustang messes something up for us."

The brother charged down the hall, dodging falling ceiling tiles and bits of rock that crashed through windows. For his size, Al had a much easier time of it than Hachiken, who several times tripped and fell on his face. One particularly jagged bit of rock almost met his eye socket; if not for the quick actions of Al, that would've been the untimely end of the Fullmetal Alchemist, Hachiken Yugo.

"Hey, Al?" Hachiken shouted behind him as they neared the roof.

"Yes, Hachiken?"

"Does anything about this seem kind of different to you?"

"You mean other than Central being attacked by homunculi?"

Hachiken considered this, and then shook his head.

They made it to the roof in record time, fueled by a bottomless drive to serve and protect the people. Mustang was already in action mode. He directed his unit to various places that best suited their abilities. Fuery was on the radio, sending a transmission to the other surrounding bases for back-up. At the same time, he fired wildly into the smoke. Havoc, Breda and Falman commanded foot soldiers from a high vantage point, and Riza Hawkeye was out of sight but not out of mind as she hid in the darkest corner and took shots at any threat she saw.

"Well, it's about time you two showed up," Mustang said. There was an edge of teasing underneath his grave tone that Hachiken didn't like.

"We're here now, aren't we?" he sauntered on by the Colonel without waiting for a response. Al was close behind.

"Come on, brother, let's get them."

"Alright," Hachiken said, pumping a fist. "We'll take these guys down and be home just in time to send a call out to Mikage."

"Er, don't you mean Winry?"

"That's what I said, isn't it?"

Hachiken stepped up on the ledge, heedless of the danger it could cause or the thick smoke that rendered him blind. He was an alchemist after all, one of the greatest and most skilled in the world, known all over Amestris and beyond. He was no more afraid of a little smog than he was the homunculi, annoying little pests that they were.

The smoke began to clear, just in time for Hachiken to see that Envy had abandoned all attempts at modesty and was going full force in his true form. The monstrous creature gnashed its teeth and bore down on the helpless citizens while the many rotting faces on its burning flesh screamed in never-ending agony. Hachiken took in the sight and reacted accordingly.

"AAAAAAARGH!"

* * *

The Central building shook dangerously, its very foundation being slowly uprooted, but still Hachiken hid. In this dark and dirty broom closet, he cowered like the fool he was before the unbending reality crashing down around him. What the hell made him think he could take on monsters anyway? Sure, he liked helping people and he always had. Ever since he'd joined the military to get away from an overbearing family, those tendencies had only increased.

_'Wait, is that the reason I joined the military? Oh whatever I am not fighting those monsters. There is a limit to being helpful and that is it.'_

The door blew off it's hinges, effectively ending Hachiken's train of thought, and were it not for the massive pair of hands holding it, he'd be saying his final prayers right now and preparing for death.

"HACHIKEN YUGO!" boomed the voice of Alex Louis Armstrong. He stood in the door frame, shirt already ripped off and muscles gleaming. Hachiken tried not to look directly at him, lest the shine off his abs make him blind, or the general sight of a shirtless Armstrong drove him to just plain rip his eyes out.

"I'm a little busy in here," he muttered bitterly.

"Oh, I know exactly what you are doing, Hachiken Yugo."

The enormous man grabbed him by the scruff of his jacket. Hachiken saw it coming a mile away, but any attempt to run was futile thanks to the fact that he'd trapped himself in a closet. He knew he should've hid in the bathroom. At least there was more space and a window in there. Armstrong held him aloft, ignorant of the way Hachiken's legs kicked in the air and how he choked on the fabric digging into his throat.

"Hachiken Yugo, our time is brief," Armstrong said. Somehow his voice was magnified over the deafening shocks that constantly hit the building. "But before we join in the fray, we must talk."

"What do you mean 'we'?" Hachiken said once he'd found a little leeway to speak. "I'm staying right here. I saw what's out there and a boy my age has no business fight something like that."

"And yet your younger brother remains."

Hachiken opened his mouth, but he didn't respond. There was no response other than pure shame, which to his credit Armstrong didn't seem willing to directly dole out.

"Ah, fear not, Hachiken Yugo. For I was young once and faced fears I could hardly stand against."

"You… did?" Hachiken asked incredulously. For all that Armstrong wore his heart on his sleeve, he didn't seem all that prone to negativity, let alone fear.

"Why yes. For example, when I was a boy I entered a strongman contest, and feared that my opponent would be able to effortlessly lift the 500 pound weight I had earlier struggled with. To take second place in such a prestigious event would mean I could never face my family again."

Hachiken felt faint, but also unsurprised. What else could he have expected really?

"But as I found out, my fears were unwarranted. My opponent faltered and failed in his task and I took home the grand prize. Do you understand what I mean, Hachiken Yugo?"

"Yes, sure," Hachiken said wearily as he slid against the wall like a broken and useless rag doll. "I understand perfectly."

Armstrong's brow furrowed, and suddenly, his whole countenance took 180 turn to something darker and unlike him.

"No, I don't think you do."

He took Hachiken up again, gentler this time, but no less commanding.

"What I am trying to say is that fear always turns a simple threat into something bigger, uglier, more sinister than it really is. If you take a stand and face your fear head on, you will find the strength to beat it. And through your bravery you will lead others to follow your example. You will be stronger than them. Do you understand now Hachiken Yugo?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"Uh… I don't see how that sort of thinking fits in with your story," Hachiken admitted, but then his eyes hardened. "But I know what you're saying, and you're right. I can just sit around and be afraid forever. My brother and all of Amestris need me!"

Dramatic tears flew down Armstrong's cheeks as he spun Hachiken around, seemingly forgetting in his joy that he was holding him. Hachiken hung on as best as he could, so that when he inevitably went flying, it wasn't far and he only got a small bump on the head. After a moment of absorbing the shock and letting the pain dull and loosen its hold on his sense, he was up and ready.

"THAT IS THE SPIRIT, DEAR BOY!" Armstrong was saying. He then gave Hachiken a thumbs up. "Come along now, we have a battle to win."

The two of them ran back the way Hachiken came, and though his legs burned and his heart beat out of his chest, he felt none of it. Force of will and boundless adrenaline drove him, and Armstrong's words pounded ceaselessly in his ears. They were going to win this. _ He_ was going to win this.

"You know Armstrong, you really know how to boost someone's morale," Hachiken said. "You'd make a good gym teacher."

* * *

The fight wore on, and with each blow from Envy their defenses weakened. Roy Mustang shielded his eyes from a heavy wind that nearly knocked him off his feet. He held tight to Falman, unconscious from a blow to the head. That he was still alive was a miracle, and Mustang hoped all of his men could come away from this able to say the same. The way things were looking, none of them would be coming away at all.

"Hawkeye, hold your fire," he shouted. "Divert to the southeast side now!"

"Yes sir!"

"Colonel, we're about to lose the east entrance!" Fuery shouted.

Mustang clenched his fists. He wanted to hit something so badly but his desired target was too far out of reach. The east entrance crumbled into itself while the many soldiers who'd give their all to defend it ran for cover. Mingled with their screams was the low-pitched and disjointed laughter of Envy, and from there, Mustang had to look away.

"Dammit."

The door opened with a bang, allowing endless sparkles into the forefront. Armstrong's booming voice announced his arrival, and Mustang was torn between sweet relief and a harsh truth that no number of State Alchemists could stop the homunculus now. That's when Mustang realized that Armstrong wasn't alone.

"Brother!" Alphonse happily shouted. He then evaded a chunk of rock thrown his way and it made a crater in the already battered rooftop.

Hachiken stepped out into the light, his hands on his hips and his chin up. He made a nice picture of a broad shouldered, fearless hero, and if Mustang hadn't seen him run screaming like a baby not ten minutes ago, he might have bought it.

"Glad to have you back, Fullmetal," he said curtly. "Think you can hold your stomach in this time?"

Hachiken wordlessly passed him, retaking his spot on the ledge and looking down. It was exactly what Envy wanted him to do. He rose over the ledge, his body blocking out the sun until he was as tall as a tower. A horrendous grin capped off his unbearable visage, and though Hachiken visibly shook, he stood his ground.

"Yes, go forth Hachiken Yugo," Armstrong whispered. "Go forth."

Envy sneered at the young alchemist. "So, it looks like the Fullmetal crybaby has decided to take me on after all." He hung off the building by his claws, something that wasn't obvious at first but explained how he could make himself look so much bigger. Mustang would have to let Falman and now Havoc know when the two of them woke up.

"You think you can fight against me?" Envy taunted Hachiken. "You think you have what it takes? Well go ahead. Just try and stop me you little brat!"

Hachiken was deaf to all of Envy's jeers, but not to the threat of him, or the obviousness of the target he was placing on his stomach by getting so close. Hachiken took a deep breath, raised his hands, and clapped them together.

Energy pulsated out from his body. A massive shape formed from rock burst out of the roof and slammed into Envy's smirking face, knocking him to the ground. Hachiken jumped off the ledge and ran to his creation, bringing it lower so he could climb on. With it closer to the ground, Mustang could more easily make out the shape of Hachiken's new weapon.

"Wait," he said. "Is that a _horse_?"

Hachiken climbed onto the stone horse's back and raised it into the air again.

"TIME TO KICK ASS!" he shouted.

He 'rode' down to the street below, stepping off and running as he clapped his hands again and again, creating new blacktop and concrete animals from horses to pigs to cows, all of which sprung into group attacks on Envy so fast that the beastly subhuman couldn't get back on his feet, let alone fight back.

"What-" a cow clocked him in the chin, making his teeth chatter and bleed. "Are-" another one pinned him at the upper arms. "You-" a chicken bounced off his head. "DOING?!"

On the roof, Mustang watched the whole thing through a pair of binoculars and clicked his tongue.

"That's what I want to know."

Hachiken skidded to a halt before Envy's beaten form. He drew himself to full height, the light shining on his glasses and giving him a look of dark soulessness that made even Envy shake.

"And now," Hachiken said with an edge of growling, "for my ultimate attack."

He slammed his hands so far into the ground that they must have made indentures, but Envy didn't care about that. He was much too concerned with the enormous mass forming out of the earth before him. So large it was that Hachiken needed to borrow from the animal projectiles he'd already created to keep it going. When it was finished, what stood at Envy's feet dwarfed him by a full measure. Envy's stomach dropped as a terrible feeling came over him, the likes of which no homunculi should ever experience. All he could see were its stubby legs, its wide girth, and its flat plaster snout ready to eviscerate him.

"Pork Bowl," Hachiken addressed the giant stone pig. "ATTACK!"

Envy screamed.

* * *

When it was over, the remaining soldiers converged on the scene. Clinging to one another for support, they were bloody, they were worn out, they were victorious, and they looked upon their savior with awe and appreciation and even a smattering of applause from those who could. Even Mustang looked on approvingly.

"Well, Hachiken," he said. "I'm not sure where you got this whole farm animal motif of yours from, but you really did good."

"You were amazing, brother!" Alphonse gushed. "You're a real hero now."

Hachiken placed his foot atop a half destroyed cow. Envy had long since crawled off in defeat, so it was the best he could do for now.

"Oh, I've always been a hero," he said, puffing out his chest. "That's right, I'm Hachiken Yugo! Hero of Central command! Hero of Amestris! Hahahahaha!"

* * *

"I'm the hero… I'm the hero… I'm the-"

"Hachiken! Shut up and wake up!"

A pillow landed with a thump on Hachiken's face, and in an instant he was up, scratching at it and gasping for air while Nishikawa hung off the bedpost looking bored.

"Calm down, would you? It's just a pillow. Not like I was strangling you with it."

"Do I know?" Hachiken shouted. "I wake up with a pillow over my head and what am I supposed to think?

"You know, some cultures consider getting a pillow placed over your face while you sleep good luck."

"THAT'S A DIRTY ROTTEN LIE!"

The bathroom door opened, allowing Beppu to step out. Though he smiled pleasantly the joy didn't reach his eyes.

"Can you two please not shout so early in the morning?" he asked. "Some people don't have to wake up quite as early as we do."

Hachiken scowled at the unaffected Nishikawa, but Beppu was right. Anyway, fighting with him wasn't going get him anywhere beyond in the nurse's office with a headache. Best to let it go.

"By the way Hachiken," Beppu asked later on while they were all getting dressed and ready for chores. "Were you dreaming before? You were talking in your sleep."

Hachiken jolted. "Wha- I was not!"

"Yeah you were, buddy," said Nishikawa with a cat-like face.

"Don't you get involved now!" Hachiken cried. It was clear Beppu wasn't going to let it go (and neither was Nishikawa now that Beppu had brought it up), and so he threw up his hands. "I dreamt I was fighting a battle against this giant monster, and I was like an alchemist or something, so I trying to defeat him."

"Did you?"

"Does it matter? It was just a dream."

"Dreams can mean a lot of things, Hachiken," said Beppu. "If you didn't win, it could spell misfortune in your future."

Nishikawa nodded, through Hachiken was sure he was just trying to stir the pot. Hachiken's eye twitched.

"Then you'll be glad to know that yes, I did beat the monster."

"Well, that's good," said Nishikawa.

"You must be feeling on top of the world, Hachiken-kun," said Beppu.

Hachiken pulled his shirt on and went to go make his bed. He shrugged. "Not sure why I would be. After all, it was just a dre-"

Something clanged to the floor as Hachiken straightened his blanket. He would've ignored it, but there was a round, silvery object resting just before his toes wasn't there before now. With fluid, almost hypnotic movements, Hachiken bent forward and picked it up.

"Is this_… a pocket watch_?"


End file.
